March 14 ........3 years ago you died. I cannot believe it! How time flies by.
I often imagine you showing up one day and walking in the door surprised at all the changes. You would have that cheeky crooked smile and sparkles in your eyes. I would show you those changes and you would smile widely.
A couple weeks ago I attended the death of a friend. The experience so reminded me of your death- the breathing, the slowing down the final breathes. The quiet....the sadness and the relief.
The rawness of your loss is gone. I was able to be totally present at my friend's death. I had little emotional attachment as I did with you. I was able to be there in support for her life partner and I learned a lot about myself. I am capable of doing it again. Attending a death of a loved one.
I think we often limit ourselves perhaps out of fear. I am glad to know I can do it so when the time comes for another death I will be ready and able to deal with it. I know I can do it and it will all be OK.
I believe we are so much more capable that our wildest imagination. Bring on life.. it's meant for living passionately. Peace to you Lee.
Friday 20 March 2015
Monday 13 October 2014
Thanksgiving 2014 October 13
Two years ago today we buried some of your ashes with Jazz at the end of the driveway where she used to lay and wait for you to come home. It was a cold miserable day. Today Buddy died at noon today on a most lovely warm fall day. Did he pick this day to die? For the past 5 days he wouldn't eat. He managed to walk outside and lay on the grass in the sun. He liked to crawl into cool places when hot so the wood shed attracted him. Our new dog Riley didn't seem to understand the old dog didn't want to play anymore. It will be interesting to see how she handles life without Buddy.
I remember the day we got Buddy from the Regina Humane Society. I figure it must have been 2007 and he was probably 5 or so years old. He sure has been a good dog for all of us. His one downfall was an attraction to chasing vehicles on the grid road out front of here. I am glad he died naturally instead of a hit and run.
Buddy loved Mary and Mary had a dish of water out front for the dogs and cats. This morning Buddy walked across the yard and had a drink and laid down in front of Mary's door. It was a good place for him to die although it must have been hard for Mary that's for sure.
Thanksgiving was always your favorite time of the year for family gatherings as you'd spend Christmas working at the hospitals. So this year we are stricken with great sadness at this most recent loss and on top of that we remember you and your many gifts you gave us and the world.
I carried Buddy over to the burial grounds in the horse pasture near the garden where Murphy lies with all of the other pets. I sat and cried my heart out for a spell. I'll miss the old dog- especially when coming along on horse rides. We all do grief differently at different times and with different intensities. You certainly knew that from your work. We will have supper with our extended family and seniors tonight and we will express gratitude for our friendships and we will remember those who are no longer with us.
You have one more companion now Lee...........peace be with you.
I remember the day we got Buddy from the Regina Humane Society. I figure it must have been 2007 and he was probably 5 or so years old. He sure has been a good dog for all of us. His one downfall was an attraction to chasing vehicles on the grid road out front of here. I am glad he died naturally instead of a hit and run.
Buddy loved Mary and Mary had a dish of water out front for the dogs and cats. This morning Buddy walked across the yard and had a drink and laid down in front of Mary's door. It was a good place for him to die although it must have been hard for Mary that's for sure.
Thanksgiving was always your favorite time of the year for family gatherings as you'd spend Christmas working at the hospitals. So this year we are stricken with great sadness at this most recent loss and on top of that we remember you and your many gifts you gave us and the world.
I carried Buddy over to the burial grounds in the horse pasture near the garden where Murphy lies with all of the other pets. I sat and cried my heart out for a spell. I'll miss the old dog- especially when coming along on horse rides. We all do grief differently at different times and with different intensities. You certainly knew that from your work. We will have supper with our extended family and seniors tonight and we will express gratitude for our friendships and we will remember those who are no longer with us.
You have one more companion now Lee...........peace be with you.
Tuesday 4 March 2014
2 years have gone by
Two years have gone by since my life changed forever ad Lee was told she had cancer. I have been reminded a lot about cancer lately what with my mother having surgery to remove cancer in her left cheek and a dear friend in Manitoba dying from pancreatic cancer February 26.My mother is 88 and Sue was 59. Lee would have been 70 in April this year.
I count my blessings every day and continue to lead a full life.Last week I cleaned out Lee's cedar chest and found a great stack of sympathy cards people had given me. I read them all to Kathy and shed some tears. We had some great talks as we always do. I felt a lessening of the raw feelings I used to have and this is good.
It does become easier over time but it is the simplest things at the most surprising times that take me back to Lee's last 10 days. I am unsure how I came through it but I did.
So now I feel I can offer support to my friend Danielle who lost the love of her life. I know that raw feeling and it is something that we go through. It will ease over time....that I now know.
I count my blessings every day and continue to lead a full life.Last week I cleaned out Lee's cedar chest and found a great stack of sympathy cards people had given me. I read them all to Kathy and shed some tears. We had some great talks as we always do. I felt a lessening of the raw feelings I used to have and this is good.
It does become easier over time but it is the simplest things at the most surprising times that take me back to Lee's last 10 days. I am unsure how I came through it but I did.
So now I feel I can offer support to my friend Danielle who lost the love of her life. I know that raw feeling and it is something that we go through. It will ease over time....that I now know.
Sunday 22 December 2013
Seasons Greetings 2013
December 19, 2013
Dear Friends and Family!
An email from Kathy to Denise: 2 weeks from "hello" to "addition"... incredible. Amazing that neither of us felt any "slow down! Slow down!" feelings. Yes, you were very forward..you kissed me first.....and I am so glad you did.
When I re-read our emails I am amazed at what we talked about...and so nakedly honest. We just spoke from our hearts...no game playing or artifice....
On Sept.23 I wrote ."I believe we are starting a journey that will last the rest of our lives" .......yes!
I truly don't understand how it all happened so quickly...I am so grateful it did.
Love youxoxoKathy
WOW! What a year! Kathy came for a visit during the stormiest 10 days of January and during this time she received the news her house in Parksville had sold effective March 1. Denise surprised Kathy with a visit early February and helped pack up a 7x7 shipping cube. Kathy left the island February 14 and arrived on the 16th with Tristan, Murphy and Macy Grey. Everything seemed to fall in place quickly. Kathy was such a trooper. I am still amazed at her courage yet now looking back it does not surprise me. Both of us checked each other often and watched for RED flags yet none came. Both of us settled into a work routine with me building in the snow and Kathy doing senior care. All the animals got along just fine. Sadly Tristan declined in April and passed after having enjoyed the snow. Riding season took precedence and work on the addition took a back seat. Because we had 5 seniors all year we were able to afford to take more time off to spend as many hours in the saddle as possible. Kathy quickly became a confident rider and her trust was amazing as I took her over some challenging trails that caught your breath. We can ride minutes from home in Big Valley acres, an hour north in the Strasbourg hills, and hour west at Trails End, down the road to the Arm River. Sask Landing and Grasslands are both about 5 hours from home and we will add Cypress Hills to our ride list for this year with the new truck and gently used trailer.
We talked about getting married because both of us wanted that experience of a strong emotional witnessed connection. What we didn’t want was to organize anything other than show up. We did each buy a new shirt and wore clean jeans and the horses had to be involved. Our friend Dallas and Wayne stepped up and agreed to host this event July 6. We planned to ride over to a lovely pasture but a rain the day before made the clay roads inaccessible for the marriage commissioner. We could not ask her to ride into the area! So we held the ceremony in Dallas’s lovely yard. Friends Margaret and Nelson rode into the area with us while the ‘boys’ played Eileen Laverty’s “The Road”. Rita Walters performed her first same sex marriage ceremony and did a great job. We exchanged rings lovely handmade and crafted by Carol Lyman. We enjoyed a lovely bbq meal and carrot cake made by an 80 year old neighbor. IT was a perfect and memorable day.
The fact that we are both widows I am sure is why we are so present, so in the moment, so grateful, so trusting our gut so everything….because life can be short. We each have a history of trusting ourselves and that flows between us. Even working out ways of communication, learning each other’s vulnerabilities, building a history together- it’s all good.
And so we share our vows with you which you can tell we each wrote and surprised each other! May this letter find you milking life for all its worth. Peace be with you all and strength to deal with whatever lands in your lap. We so appreciate your support and connection with you all.
Much love Kathy and Denise
On July 6, 2013 Denise said to Kathy these wedding vows
First off I want to acknowledge Judy and Lee. We had long and healthy relationships with them and they left us far too soon. We met because of them and we brought all the things that worked forward to this relationship. Thank you Judy and Lee.
I first emailed you September 5 2012 and you responded the next day. We supported each other in our loss by email. As luck would have it I was able to meet you in person at the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal noon on September 16 after I had accepted an invitation to a concert in Vancouver. Three new women friends at the time advised me to be open to receive and be myself. You and I talked until after 6 pm when you took the ferry back. We continued to email then you came for a visit in October. By this time we knew we could partner and share a life. It was a done deal. I visited in December. You visited me in January- brave woman. I surprised you with a visit in February and later that month you packed up and left BC arriving here February 16.
I intend to remain open with you and be in the moment. I will receive as well as give, I will pay attention, I do value all the little things, I will check in with you often, I will provide room for you to simply be your whole self. I will remind you to breathe. There will be no incessant worry. There will be action. When we are faced with big problems we will talk it out and come up with the right solutions for us. We will be fearless I accept you as you are.
l will be your faithful companion for the rest of our days. And……I will always check your cinch for you! I love you so much.
Then Kathy said to Denise:
September 5, 2012 was the day you entered my life. We connected through our shared experiences of grief, of losing our beloved partners., Lee and Judy. We met for the first time on September 16 and from that day on we took the leap of faith and started to form the connections which have brought us here today..to publicly commit ourselves to each other and to our life together.
Early on in our relationship you said magic words that have changed how I live in this world...OPEN TO RECEIVE. I have opened myself to you and your love, opened myself to the vision of moving from BC to join you in Saskatchewan, opened myself to the possibility of riding a horse!, and most importantly opening myself to be vulnerable with my feelings and not put up a wall....to stay in the moment,accept the feelings, and BREATHE.
I’m not going to say traditional vows to you. but these are words I want you always to remember:
I will love you each and every day...I will demonstrate gratitude in thoughtful ways, as you have done with me. I will speak words of appreciation to you, as you have done with me. I will hold you when you are sad, as you have done with me. I will laugh with you, and cry with you, as you have done with me. I will plan date nights! as you have done with me.
And now I want to repeat something you wrote to me: “I think we have been given an incredible opportunity to maximize the rest of our lives by becoming partners and supporting each other to wring every ounce out of this borrowed and gifted time. Now is the time to be clear on what we want to pack into our lives. We will live each day as if it were our last and we will feel joy.”
Tuesday 12 November 2013
November 12, 2013 My How Time Flies By.....
Dear Lee,
My how time flies by....I have not taken to writing in this blog since April. My writing in the past has been purely emotional driven and therapeutic. What does this mean? I have simply been absorbed in living my life as fully as possible with Kathy Carter who........ get this! became MY WIFE July 6 this past summer.
But let me back track a bit. I had ambitious plans to finish the building project before riding season. Well, its October and I can safely say we are 90% done. It is quite lovely and feels really great. And we have been riding a lot....
We had a very late spring and mid May still held onto snow in the trees on northern valley slopes. Leaves didn't pop out until late May whereas in past years the aspens showed their 'first green' around your birthday April 3.
This is Thanksgiving weekend and one of your favorite times of the year. Last year we had friends and family here to support me in burying your ashes with Jazz out at the entry to this yard. This year Kathy and I will have a turkey dinner with our 5 senior women and I'll bake some pumpkin pies made from the pumpkins grown in our garden.
The rawness of your loss has lessened so much so that I can have conversations about you anytime anywhere and not tear up. Time does heal wounds. It helps a lot that Kathy is a widow too. Both of us can talk at any time about our past sweethearts and it is always OK. I imagine if I were with a non widow she would likely say "Get over it! Enough already with the tears!!" Not with Kathy. She understands and empathizes. As Martha Stewart would say...it's a good thing.
The loss of you was a huge wake up call for me. I made a clear decision to love fully and completely with wild abandon. The decision to get married came to us because we both had great relationships and we both wanted more.
So I will not likely write regularly anymore as I don't have a personal need for the cathartic experience of writing for personal therapy. Part of me feels sad about this but the rest of me.....well it is another gauge for how far I have come from the experience of loosing you.
I am well and doing just fine.....................
My how time flies by....I have not taken to writing in this blog since April. My writing in the past has been purely emotional driven and therapeutic. What does this mean? I have simply been absorbed in living my life as fully as possible with Kathy Carter who........ get this! became MY WIFE July 6 this past summer.
But let me back track a bit. I had ambitious plans to finish the building project before riding season. Well, its October and I can safely say we are 90% done. It is quite lovely and feels really great. And we have been riding a lot....
We had a very late spring and mid May still held onto snow in the trees on northern valley slopes. Leaves didn't pop out until late May whereas in past years the aspens showed their 'first green' around your birthday April 3.
This is Thanksgiving weekend and one of your favorite times of the year. Last year we had friends and family here to support me in burying your ashes with Jazz out at the entry to this yard. This year Kathy and I will have a turkey dinner with our 5 senior women and I'll bake some pumpkin pies made from the pumpkins grown in our garden.
The rawness of your loss has lessened so much so that I can have conversations about you anytime anywhere and not tear up. Time does heal wounds. It helps a lot that Kathy is a widow too. Both of us can talk at any time about our past sweethearts and it is always OK. I imagine if I were with a non widow she would likely say "Get over it! Enough already with the tears!!" Not with Kathy. She understands and empathizes. As Martha Stewart would say...it's a good thing.
The loss of you was a huge wake up call for me. I made a clear decision to love fully and completely with wild abandon. The decision to get married came to us because we both had great relationships and we both wanted more.
So I will not likely write regularly anymore as I don't have a personal need for the cathartic experience of writing for personal therapy. Part of me feels sad about this but the rest of me.....well it is another gauge for how far I have come from the experience of loosing you.
I am well and doing just fine.....................
Wednesday 10 April 2013
April 9, 2013
Dear Lee,
Your birthday was April 3 and you would have been 69! Holy Moses! I have missed 2 of your birthdays now. You said you wanted to retire when you reached 70. Had you been alive we would be doing a lot of talking on how all of that would work for us.
So here I am partnered with a VSW (very special woman) and we are building an addition onto this house for a private space for her. We dug the footings that I poured last fall out of the snow and I built the pony walls last week. Monday and Tuesday I laid out the joists.Today I nailed down the floor. I stood on top of 4 foot snowbanks and it made the job easier. Friday - walls I hope. The rafters arrived today Windows arrived yesterday. Waiting for the studs for the walls then its full steam ahead. This 63 year old can still put in a good days work although my 40 year old brain is a bit more ambitious. A good time for me to be extra kind to myself.
Because we have 5 seniors here and have had 5 since late summer last year, we are taking off 4 days a week and sharing 3 days of work. This suits us both right now as I work outside and Kathy works with the seniors.
It really is good when two widows get together. At any given moment one of us could have a 'moment' and the other automatically understands. Because we have both had a major loss we really have done a lot of talking and certain things just aren't important to us anymore- like petty complaints. Both of us are really aware of how we want to spend our time. We are making plans to pack in as much in as we can. First thing is finish the addition before riding season. That will not be a problem.
Your birthday was April 3 and you would have been 69! Holy Moses! I have missed 2 of your birthdays now. You said you wanted to retire when you reached 70. Had you been alive we would be doing a lot of talking on how all of that would work for us.
So here I am partnered with a VSW (very special woman) and we are building an addition onto this house for a private space for her. We dug the footings that I poured last fall out of the snow and I built the pony walls last week. Monday and Tuesday I laid out the joists.Today I nailed down the floor. I stood on top of 4 foot snowbanks and it made the job easier. Friday - walls I hope. The rafters arrived today Windows arrived yesterday. Waiting for the studs for the walls then its full steam ahead. This 63 year old can still put in a good days work although my 40 year old brain is a bit more ambitious. A good time for me to be extra kind to myself.
Because we have 5 seniors here and have had 5 since late summer last year, we are taking off 4 days a week and sharing 3 days of work. This suits us both right now as I work outside and Kathy works with the seniors.
It really is good when two widows get together. At any given moment one of us could have a 'moment' and the other automatically understands. Because we have both had a major loss we really have done a lot of talking and certain things just aren't important to us anymore- like petty complaints. Both of us are really aware of how we want to spend our time. We are making plans to pack in as much in as we can. First thing is finish the addition before riding season. That will not be a problem.
Friday 15 March 2013
March 16, 2013
I spent yesterday doing errands, stopping in to visit people, ordering flooring, getting prices for windows. I even bought a new Samsung cell phone so I can learn to text. Lord help me. I never thought I'd see the day.
I see cell phone use as rampant and I see a disconnect with people. I have watched people in restaurants where it looks like they might be on a date. Both people are blasting away at their phones and appear to have little regard for each other. I do not want that. I want your attention and I want to give you attention when I am with you. May I be struck down if I get addicted to this new technology. May it just be used for quick messages about bringing home some milk. Will keep you posted.
Kathy, Mary, Iris and I went out for a nice supper and we laughed and told stories about Lee. Some I had forgotten and some I had not heard. There is an addition to the Lee- rum story. Iris had taken Lee to her appointments and she told me that on the way home Lee had mentioned to her that she would like some rum. Iris encouraged her to talk to me about it. Well, she did!
We got a hug dump of snow today. Plans to go and pick up Kathy's new car were put on hold. A dear friend called to ask how I was doing and we had a very REAL conversation. It is quite common when we are in our 60's to look at our mortality and make decisions on how we want to live to the end of our lives and how we want to die. Even if we figure out what we don't want for ourselves. Then we need to TELL our loved ones. Let it all be known. Do not let us guess. We all want to respect each persons right to live and die the way they want to.
I felt quite a lot lighter yesterday. Not worn down and terribly sad. I got over the hump of the one year anniversary.
And now back to a normal life. I half assed backed the tractor out of the shed and got stuck on glare ice. Could not go ahead. Could not back up.Hand throttle stuck. Had to use the foot feed. Looked down and saw a stream of lime green liquid flowing. I shut her down. To hell with it.
Phoned the neighbour to see if he was available to clear the yard. In the meantime Kathy is exercising by shovelling the main part of the driveway. It really has turned out to be a bright beautiful day.
I see cell phone use as rampant and I see a disconnect with people. I have watched people in restaurants where it looks like they might be on a date. Both people are blasting away at their phones and appear to have little regard for each other. I do not want that. I want your attention and I want to give you attention when I am with you. May I be struck down if I get addicted to this new technology. May it just be used for quick messages about bringing home some milk. Will keep you posted.
Kathy, Mary, Iris and I went out for a nice supper and we laughed and told stories about Lee. Some I had forgotten and some I had not heard. There is an addition to the Lee- rum story. Iris had taken Lee to her appointments and she told me that on the way home Lee had mentioned to her that she would like some rum. Iris encouraged her to talk to me about it. Well, she did!
We got a hug dump of snow today. Plans to go and pick up Kathy's new car were put on hold. A dear friend called to ask how I was doing and we had a very REAL conversation. It is quite common when we are in our 60's to look at our mortality and make decisions on how we want to live to the end of our lives and how we want to die. Even if we figure out what we don't want for ourselves. Then we need to TELL our loved ones. Let it all be known. Do not let us guess. We all want to respect each persons right to live and die the way they want to.
I felt quite a lot lighter yesterday. Not worn down and terribly sad. I got over the hump of the one year anniversary.
And now back to a normal life. I half assed backed the tractor out of the shed and got stuck on glare ice. Could not go ahead. Could not back up.Hand throttle stuck. Had to use the foot feed. Looked down and saw a stream of lime green liquid flowing. I shut her down. To hell with it.
Phoned the neighbour to see if he was available to clear the yard. In the meantime Kathy is exercising by shovelling the main part of the driveway. It really has turned out to be a bright beautiful day.
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